It’s a situation most moms know well: You have two snotty, crying kids trying to ruin your morning coffee buzz and Little Johnny just pooped through his last diaper. Of course, it’s the Great Flood outside and you’d need Noah’s Ark to navigate yourself and the kids to the nearest Walgreens.
Somehow, you make it to the store. You begin the laborious process of unbuckling both kids in the torrent and you’re not sure if it’s rain, sweat, tears, or pee soaking through your clothes. You drag both kids into the store and buy a pack of damn diapers. Go back to the car, buckle both kids up, rinse, and repeat.
Though your experience may vary slightly from mine, I’m certain you’ve asked the same question: For the love of tequila, where’s the drive-thru?! And hopefully, after this article, some enterprising mom will put the wheels in motion on this money-making machine.
CVS, Rite-Aid, and Walgreens have an advantage over all the other destinations listed―they already have a drive-thru! Think of how many moms would flock to these stores if they could just pull up to the drive-thru window and pick up a pack of Huggies with their Valium. Rite-Aid, are you listening?? You can conquer the world with drive-thru diapers and drugs!
Drive-Thru Cell Phone Service
The last time I took both kids to the Verizon store, my daughter wailed while my son bolted from store front to rear to front to rear to front to rear. He stopped for a moment to tug on a very nice gentleman’s pant leg and call him Daddy. Then it appeared he remembered what he was doing and ran from store front to rear to front to rear and stopped for another brief moment to empty the last three rows of cell phone chargers in the display case.
I would sign a life sentence with a cell phone provider who offered a drive-thru service. This way I would never need to worry about my kids causing destruction and electronic dismemberment in another cell phone store ever again.
This would conclude the era of driving a cartful of screaming kids through the tampon aisle. Though there’s no actual drive-thru window, some grocery stores already offer a similar service, where you can order online and pick up your groceries in the parking lot or have them delivered to your house by a grey-bearded pervert in a grocery store cap. Since I would file drive-thru groceries under ‘best inventions since birth control,’ I had to add it to the list.
After picking up my diapers and Valium, I’d head over to the drive-thru wine store and bag a bottle of their best Asti. This way, after the kids go to bed, hubby and I can drink a little bubbly and have some grown-up fun.
We’ll watch some King of the Hill, he’ll pass out in front of the TV with his hand down his pants, and I’ll polish off the bottle and stay up until 3 a.m. on Facebook. It will be magical.
Drive-Thru Day Care
Little Johnny needs to be dropped off at day care but it’s snowing outside? Or maybe you’re just too hung over to face his teachers?
Nothing says I’m an awesome parent like tossing your kid and his SpongeBob lunchbox out the driver’s side window to a competent day care provider. Let’s be honest, even on a sunny day, who really wants to get out of their car butt-crack early and walk their kids inside anyway? One day I hope to also file this under ‘best inventions since birth control.’
Little Suzie’s diaper rash is back in full force again? In mom world, one day you’ll be able to hang your kid’s inflamed backside out the window to be diagnosed by a drive-thru pediatrician. And for the sake of convenience, the drive-thru pediatrician will also be able to dispense your child’s medication at the window as a one-stop shop.
In my vision, or perhaps a drug-induced hallucination, I can hear the desperate pleas of a tired parent: “Dear God, please, fix my kid and fast so I can drop her off at the drive-thru daycare. I just want to take a poop in peace.” One day, my weary friends, one day.
Drive-Thru Post Office
Last time we went to the post office, my toddler snagged the keys out of my purse while I was busy balancing my packages like a circus monkey. I didn’t realize he had them in his hand when I strapped him back in the carseat and―click! He locked himself and his baby sister in the car for an agonizing 45 seconds. He thought it was hilarious watching mommy sign hysterically to push the unlock button.
No more circus monkey moms and dads, no more babies locked in cars, and no more standing in line with two angry midgets while Santa Claus dumps four enormous sacks of packages in front of the only working postal employee. And in case you’re wondering, yes, that really happened, but it never has to happen again with the invention of the USPS drive-thru window.
In mom world, all of our errands would be reduced to an efficient drive-thru system, and a day’s work could be completed while the kids quietly nap, snack, or play in the backseat. Then you could drive through Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts for an iced vanilla latte, and stop by the drive-thru post office to drop me a little thank you note in the mail. Or a bottle of wine, I like Asti and moscato. And tequila. And chocolate.
One day, drive-thru everything will be the future of the world. One day.